plumnovel Chapter 251: One More Time
Chapter 251: One More Time
“....what now? What… what do I do?”Zero just shrugged. “I don’t know, man. It’s your choice. I’m just here as moral support.”
“Moral—goddamit, Zero. What the fuck?! Again?! Do I seriously have to do this again?!”
Zero sighed. “John. I know it’s bad, but it’s stupid for you to get mad. You knew this was coming. Why are you acting surprised? Don’t you remember? I told you. Things are going to get harder. You made a choice.”
“You mean harder means making another sacrifice?! What the fuck is the point then?!”
“No. Not that. This was always the ending you were going to reach. The nature of this story made it inevitable. Although, if you hadn’t bonded with anyone, I guess it wouldn’t be that hard… No, what I mean is you would’ve heard Prota’s words. You know, when she was trying to help you. Although, in hindsight, it might not have made any sense… well, whatever.”
John’s eyes widened.
The censored message.
What had Prota been trying to tell him?
Something about his old world. Something about this world.
“She figured it out. I’ll tell you that much,” Zero said, trying to offer some advice. “She understood what it was. The thing I was trying to tell you. I’m sure you’ve got it, too.”
John sighed. “And you can’t tell me either.”
“Are you stupid? You know the answer to that.”
John felt his heart pounding in his chest.
Again.
He had to go through this all over again.
“...what now?”
There was nobody to answer his question.
It was strange. For so long, he’d wandered the world, staving off boredom by engaging in meaningless tasks and searching for scraps of information. He had never looked for a companion, partially due to his aversion toward them, but also because he was used to it. He was familiar with the sensation of being alone, just him and Zero, with nobody else to keep him company.
But now that he was alone, with his memories of his last life, he felt an odd sensation of loneliness.
A feeling he shouldn’t have felt.
Having Prota here wouldn’t have done anything. To be honest, there wasn’t anybody who could really help him. The [Author], maybe, but that asshole wasn’t going to be helping John anytime soon.
He didn’t feel lonely because he needed help.
He just wanted someone by his side.
In a moment like this… it was nice to have someone next to you. Even if they couldn’t help you. Even if they couldn’t do anything for you, simply sitting next to them was nice. Simply sharing the experience, the moment. It was always better with someone by your side.
A joy shared is twice the joy.
A burden shared is half the burden.
“I really… miss her, huh,” John muttered, an aching feeling rising in his chest.
Tears began to well up in his eyes.
He thought back to his journey. A whole new world. A world where modern science didn’t exist, a world where magic and mana were commonplace, a story he’d read a thousand times in a thousand different ways.
It had always been awkward. It was hard to interact with them, knowing their true nature.
But now that they were gone, John didn’t know if that statement was true.
Yes, they were [Characters]. Yes, they weren’t real.
And yet, despite knowing that, he felt a hole in his heart.
Hadn’t he fought by their side? Explored the world with them?
Maybe they were just creations of the [Author]. Maybe John was a delusional fool for believing they were anything special.
But somehow, despite knowing all that, he felt hollow inside.
“John.”
Zero’s voice was unusually tender.
Neither he nor John were great at expressing sympathy. John was far worse at it, but at the end of the day, even when they took things seriously, the moments they could truly help someone with words could be counted on one’s fingers.
This couldn’t be blamed on things like [Characters] and [Story]. Not this time.
John was simply someone who didn’t know how to comfort others.
Not because he thought they were undeserving of it or anything like that. But because the idea of comforting with words was simply foreign to him. Thus, in a moment where he was all alone, he had no idea how to comfort the only person present.
And as a result, it was hard for him to be honest with his feelings. To properly express what he thought.
But here, in this void, there was no point in lying. There was no one to lie to.
Of course, he could lie to himself. But he was stuck here. And so eventually, he’d have to be honest. If not now, then later. Because later would always come.
It was time to be honest.
Just a little.
“You know. Remember what I said about you?” Zero said, his tone somewhat dismissive.
“What? That I care for characters? That I wanted to save them?”
“Hey. You know… I never said that you actually saved them or anything. Just that it was what you wanted to do. So… you know. Maybe that was a characteristic of yours before becoming a [Character]. Or something like that.”
John froze.
“That trait of yours… it’s not about whether you can save them or not. It’s not about being realistic or practical. It’s called being kind. It’s called caring. Even if they’re fake.”
“But that doesn’t make sense!” John exclaimed. “At the end of the day, if they’re not real, the consequences they suffer are—”
“You don’t get the point! Shut up!”
John went silent.
“It’s not about the consequences. John. I am you. You are me. Maybe the way we approach things is different. Maybe our values, for now, are different. But we still think the same! We still care about the same things! You cannot lie to me, because you are me!”
“I—”
“Maybe we don’t care about the journey! We care about the end. We care about results. Typically, we ignore how we get there. But we cannot deny that the journey is real. We can’t deny that, somehow, we had to do something to get to our destination.”
“...what?”
“Are you being intentionally dense? Maybe we do something, and nothing happens. Maybe our efforts are just a dud. But it’s the journey that changes you. It’s the journey that affects who you are! The results are logical. The journey is emotional. Emotions aren’t logical. When we hate something, when we love something, we can try to justify our emotions, but at the end of the day, there doesn’t have to be something logical about them! They just are!”
John remained silent, but somehow, he seemed a little more open to listening than before.
“We have emotions, John, because we are alive. You can argue all the philosophical bullshit you want, but at the end of the day, it’s part of us. You cannot change that. You cannot just say that you no longer have emotions. Maybe there’s some people who are born feeling numb. I can’t speak for them. But that is not us! That’s not who we are! We have feelings! We have emotions! We are alive!”
“But…”
“When I said that you are you, no matter the memories, that wasn’t just in regards to this one [Reset].”
John’s eyes widened. Immediately, he understood what Zero was implying.
But that realization didn’t make him any more comfortable.
“...hey.”
“Yeah?”
“Who am I?”
“I can’t—”
“No. You know what I mean. There’s a shit ton of stories where some reader or writer or whatever gets sucked into a book or game. They think they’re real. They think they’re the ones in a world of fiction, but, surprise surprise, they’re fake too! Is that me? Am I being played like a dumbass? These choices. Are they mine? You say they are. But are they? What if the [Author] is just making me think that? Am I really free? Zero? Huh? You say I’m alive, but prove it. Prove I’m alive! You can’t do it, can you?!”
He finished his rant, tears streaming down his face. For a moment, all he could feel was despair.
“John.”
And then Zero’s voice cut through the pain.
“I can’t… that’s not an easy question to answer, and I think you know that. But I can promise you this. You are you. Your decisions have been yours. I can promise you that.”
“Don’t lie. It wasn’t that clear, but I can see it. This world was never Destiny’s, right? I was the [Protagonist]. So was Prota. It was always our journey. The [Author] was always writing about us. So what am I, really? This [Anomaly] bullshit was just another literary tool, wasn’t it? Tell me! What the fuck am I?!”
He finished his rant, panting, and yet the silence of the void consumed his emotions. Without the ability for his rage to echo, he gradually calmed down.
It was only then that Zero spoke.
“You’re a [Character].”
Three words.
All three carrying the weight of the world.
“Ah… right. So, in the end, I wasn’t anything special—”
“No. You are. John, being a [Character] is the bare minimum for existing in this world. If you exist here, you are a [Character]. You can’t not be one. That doesn’t change the fact that you are more. I can’t explain the details. But your choices, in a strange way, were yours. Your will wasn’t just another whim of the [Author]. This journey is for you. Because you are a [Character].”
“I…”
“But who cares?”
“...what?”
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Zero laughed. “You know what else you are? A dumbass. A bum. A human. A boy. A selfish prick. A real asshole. A killer. A murderer. A villain.”
“Ok, ok, I get—”
“You’re a bartender. A mercenary. An adventurer. A companion. A brother. A saviour.”
John frowned. “Hey. Make it make sense—”
“All those labels might describe you. But is that who you are? Is that you are?”
John flinched. Was it?
“You’ve said it so many times. You know what? Prota got it before you did. That’s so incredibly stupid. Did you know that? You’re a fucking idiot. You absolute moron! She understood your nature before you did! John, it doesn’t matter what you are! Do you understand ?!”
Realization slowly settled in.
“...right.”
“Yeah,” Zero said with a satisfied smirk. “Then say it. I want to hear you say it.”
“I… this sounds really stupid, you know that?”
“Say it.”
John laughed, feeling incredibly embarrassed, but he knew Zero would wait for eternity if that’s what it took.
So he said it.
“I’m me.”
He wasn’t even John. John was just a name he currently used, because he didn’t even know what his actual name was, according to his [Character Profile].
Ultimately, he was an incomplete being. To begin with, his entire quest was to recover his missing memories. From the very start, he had no clue who he’d been, or what his intentions had been. He might’ve had another goal entirely. Maybe he might’ve hated the name “John” in another life.
But that hadn’t stopped him from declaring himself as [John].
Not because John was who he was.
But because it was who he chose to be.
A [Character] whose creation was supposedly created by himself. His powers, granted by his own imagination, his limits determined only by a being equally as creative and powerful as he.
[Infinity] was not a power. But a seal.
On the very concept of a [Character].
A being with infinite potential.
[Infinity]
“Don’t you get it, John? I can’t believe it took you all this time to accept it, but… you can care. You’re allowed to care. You’re also allowed to not care. Kill them, spare them, befriend them, whatever. I don’t care. What matters if that you’re not running away like a fucking coward!!”
“But the way I see the world—”
“Is a curse, yes. It sucks. I’m not going to deny that, alright? Yeah, it fucking stinks. You’ll never be able to see others the way, say, Prota does. But that’s ok! Think about it! I can’t believe it took us all this time for you to finally realize this shit!”
“Then why didn’t we talk about it earlier?”
“Because you were too goddamn stubborn to accept it back then!”
Zero stopped speaking, leaving John alone for a bit. It got to the point that John thought Zero had left, but then the soul opened his mouth again.
“Haven’t you ever read a book?”
John’s eyes bulged.
Those words were incredibly stupid. So vague. So random.
But they made complete sense.
Suddenly, everything clicked.
What Zero was trying to say all came together.
The culmination of the conversations they’d had along the way…
“I… it can’t be that simple. This entire journey? To realize that?!”
Zero grinned. “See? You get it.”
It was what John had desperately wanted all this time. To go back to caring for others. To have companions, to have loved ones, to interact with others without having to be burdened with the knowledge that they were something else. Even though he’d wiped his memories of his old life, his instincts, his nature, they remained.
And so, in this world, he’d hidden away. Perhaps in a very different way than Prota had, but he’d sheltered himself just as much. Burdened by the belief that he could never create a bond again.
He’d been lying to himself. It wasn’t a matter of efficiency.
It was a matter of being scared. Scared of losing those he met.
In a way, that was true. He was eventually destined to lose those he met.
But that was life.
People come. People go. They slowly vanish, they die, they fight and break up.
There is nothing unnatural about that.
And so these [Characters] were no different. Real or fake, that didn’t matter. They were individuals who evoked emotion, and emotion bloomed into a relationship. Love. Rivalry. Brotherhood and sisterhood. Companionship. Hatred.
The identity of those he formed relationships with did not matter. Perhaps they were [Characters]. Perhaps they were “fake.” And if he was still a real person, that would have mattered. Because he would not have the ability to interact with them as he did now.
[Character] was simply a label.
What that [Character] was to John was what mattered.
And if John declared them to be nothing, then that was all they would amount to.
But if John decided they were more.
Then to John, that’s what they would be.
Maybe the [Characters] themselves weren’t real.
But the emotions definitely were.
The journey was what made John.
And emotions were part of the journey.
They didn’t have to make sense. All John had to do was accept that they were.
He took a shaky breath, trying to calm himself. Even now, he was still terrified of the choice he would have to make, but he was beginning to realize that ignoring it would not make it go away.
The dilemma persisted.
Eventually, a choice had to be made.
Just because he’d come to a realization didn’t mean everything would magically be solved. Perhaps in another story, a eureka moment would bring forth the solution. But not this story.
Not for John.
“I… alright. what are my options?”
As if to answer his question, his system appeared.
[Here are your options:]
[First: you can use no energy and leave this world, returning to the [Home] dimension. This option will always be available once the [Deus Ex Machina] energy of a world has been collected, or if none is present.]
[Second: it is possible to sacrifice your memories in order to preserve the world. The memories will be given to Prota Char, the other anomaly within the [Story], and the plot will continue with her as the primary focus. The actions that will happen after this are still yet unknown.]
“So, John,” Zero started. “What are you going to—”
[Third: a [True Reset] is available. It will cost you all of your memories of this world. Those memories will be stored in the [Library]. All [Deus Ex Machina] will be put back to its exact position and time, and all of John Quarta’s memories will be removed. Any consequences John Quarta imprinted upon the world will be erased, and the [Story] will begin anew.]
“Wait!” Zero yelled. “Hold on! Since when was that an option? The [Story] is finished, you can’t just—”
[The amount of [Deus Ex Machina] present is enough for these actions. It is impossible for the existence known as “John Quarta” to both survive and resurrect the world in the current state.]
John’s heart sank. He’d been hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could do it again.
But no.
This time, there was no half-assing it both ways. No compromise, no way for him to be somewhat satisfied.
He had to make a choice.
Himself.
Or this [Story].
But…
“...Zero,” John started.
“No. No, I’m not letting you—”
“What’s so wrong with it?”
In a rare moment, John managed to silence his soul.
“There’s… there’s a lot I regret. A lot I might want to change.”
“But the journey you took, the experiences you made—”
“Aren’t real. Look. I know the whole thing with [Resets] and whatever is all that, but think about it. If I was given a tool… I should use it.”
“Think about Prota!”
“What about her?”
“Everything she did for you! Everything she sacrificed, just for you to make a choice, for you to choose one or the other—”
“Zero.”
John’s voice was unusually tender.
“This is my choice.”
“Are you stupid?! This isn’t a choice! This is just you running away again!” Zero yelled, grabbing John by the shirt. “We just did all this self-reflection, and for what?! For you to be a fucking coward! Look back, John! All your life, you’ve spent running away from your problems! Face them! Turn around and face them, for fuck’s sake! Or are you just—”
“Hey. I mean it. This is what I’m choosing. I’m not running away. I’m choosing to do this.”
Stunned, Zero slowly let go of John.
“You told me… no matter what, I’m still me. Right? So if I go back. There’s a chance I do things differently. Who I am changes. What I value changes. I know there’s some complications with experiences and lack of memories and whatnot, but… if I came to the realization that I can care. That I can show emotion. Then there’s a chance I’ll do it better. There’s a chance I’ll grow even more. And in the end, it’s a [Story]. As many tries as it takes. I’ll do it again. Until I’m satisfied.”
“But you won’t remember this! You won’t know if you’re satisfied, you won’t—”
“Yes. I will. Because that’s what the [Author] wants, right? Eventually. I’ll figure it out. If there really is an [Author], then I’ll end up back here, right? Like you said. This was bound to happen no matter what.”
[So this is your choice.]
“Because I am ‘me.’ It doesn’t matter if I’m a [Character] or anything else. Who I am. What I care for. That does not change.”
[How interesting.]
“And if I remain the same, then I know I’ll end up here again.”
[To be honest. I did not anticipate this. I expected things to end here. For you to continue on your journey, for you to find the solution. But in the end, I suppose this is also an option.]
Zero sighed. “John, this… it’s insane. You know [True Resets] usually end in some kind of unavoidable conflict, right? You’re not supposed to be given the choice.”
[In the end, that is part of the journey.]
“What? What do you mean?” John frowned.
[We make mistakes.]
Zero shrugged. “For example, at some point, there’s a [True Reset] where you fight Hikari, and they make you [Reset] so many times you softlock.”
[We stumble. We fall.]
“What? Really?”
[And we pick ourselves back up.]
“Yeah. There was a whole [True Reset] and stuff you had to go through. It was… well, messy. But it was forced,” Zero explained.
[If this is what you choose. If this is what I choose. Then we will do it all over again.]
“I… I see,” John muttered, stunned.
[As many times as it takes.]
“Yeah. So… just, you know. This isn’t normal. You’re not supposed to do a [True Reset] like this. I don’t… this isn’t right.”
[Until you reach the conclusion you wish to see.]
“Oh, come on, man,” John sighed.
[Until I am satisfied.]
His tears had long since dried out. A strange sense of confidence was welling up within him.
[We will do it over. You will be by my side. And I will be by yours.]
He didn’t know where it was coming from. But that feeling of understanding. That sensation of realizing that he was in control, of realizing that his choices were truly his…
[For I am the [Author].]
It was freeing.
[And you are the [Character].]
“Who cares about what’s right?” John continued. “Isn’t that the point?”
[You do not exist without me.]
“The point is I get to choose what I want.”
[And I am not an [Author] without you.]
Zero remained silent for a bit. Then, a faint chuckle. A giggle. Slowly growing louder, gradually turning into full blown laughter, filling the emptiness of the void.
[So. Let us go. Together.]
“Right. Stupid, stupid. I can’t believe you had to tell me that.”
[Hand in hand. Back to the start. Off to fix the mistakes we wish to correct.]
“Well, isn’t that how it is? You’re me. I’m you. Both of us can be smart. Both of us can be stupid.”
[Again. And again. Until the story we wish to tell is there.]
“Yeah, but you’re a lot more stupid than I am.”
[So for now, it is not the end.]
“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?!” John protested.
[As long as you remain in my mind…]
“It means you’re a fucking idiot,” Zero laughed.
[It is never the end.]
“Oh, shut up,” John grumbled, but he felt relieved.
[There is beauty in a story, no matter the story. There is beauty in the imagination of a mind, no matter how flawed it is told.]
His life had been worth living. In a way, it was beautiful.
[So this was not a failure.]
Although he had regrets, they didn’t hold him back. Rather, they were motivation for what would come next.
[It was merely another story to be told.]
“Come on, John,” Zero said, holding his body’s hand. “Let’s do it.”
[Thank you. For the story you have given me. Thank you. That there is a story I can tell.]
“Yeah. So… one more promise. I’ll make one last promise,” John muttered.
[There is life in a [Story]. That life is known as the [Characters]. The life in this world.]
“Prota. I’ll come back. No matter the world. No matter my memories. I’ll be back for you. As many times as it takes.”
[That was you.]
“I promise.”
[Then, I hope that you will bring life to my world again. But for now, farewell.]
A pair of hands, one of flesh, one of soul, moved together.
[I look forward to telling your tale. As many times as it takes.]
([True Reset] ending)